I am sure that anyone reading this has at one point in his or her life demonstrated an incredible lapse of judgment—the sort of stupid act of destruction made worse by the knowledge that we should have known better. We've made at least a handful of errors when we were children, a point where youthful naivety makes it excusable. And on an occasion, no matter how wise or pure I am sure everyone has been guilty of this as adults, when we really should have known better. I know of no lower feeling.
Four days ago I knowingly committed an act of really poor judgment, and I have already paid dearly for it.
In what I considered to be an innocent blog entry, I included a photograph of someone who I knew did not want to be photographed. (And one should most certainly believe then that such a person would not want his photograph published on the Internet!) My implication is plain enough in the words I had written to accompany the photograph:
This photograph was taken in a co-worker's kitchen. The lighting was pretty bad (if people moved things got too blurry) so I just started snapping shots as fast as my camera will store them. I pared down almost 100 pictures to just this little collage. A few minutes afterwards someone noticed I had a camera out, and I was threatened with certain death if I took any pictures, so that had to suffice. (Fortunately, I'm sure nobody in the office besides Matt even realizes I keep a blog.)
In the most bizarre of coincidences (unless I have movie-star popularity and don't know it) his friend in France happened to read my blog, recognize his face, and notify him. It is especially remarkable because I've taken pains not to write the name of the company I'm working for anywhere (I did a thorough site search to confirm this) and although I mentioned this coworker's first name once, I knew better than to use any last names due to the risk of them being linked by web searches.
What I'm saying is that although I was aware that what I did was wrong, I was also confident enough of the improbability of the encroachment being learned that I figured I could get away with it. For one who believes in God, it would not be unreasonable to guess I am being taught a painful moral lesson.
And as I have said, I will pay dearly for this. Anyone who has actually read this journal will know how honored and exhilarated to be a part of this company. Beyond being a "gig with good pay" this is a group of people for whom I hold huge respect. (I appreciate the irony of using the word "respect" in that last sentence. My actions would suggest I indeed have no respect for these people, and yet I can't think of any word that better suits the emotion.) I have thrown away any chance of being for this company anything more than a contractor, and I have blown every cent of a contractor's most important asset: trust.
To indulge in this any further would be masturbatory. It's not the point to make myself feel pious by demonstrating how bad I can feel about it. The point is just to make something of a public apology and admit that I feel awful.
Posted by Murray Todd Williams at July 9, 2004 09:19 PM